Entry: Melt Saturday, January 10, 2009

Take the first move. I'll follow. And you'll know me.

I could tell everything. I could choose to. I've been tempted to do so. But I won't Because there is such a lot to lose. I'll lose my ability to hold my head up high. I could not hide my disappointment because the person/people I've told will know. And because I'll be the only one to share, it seems like it's something that I could not deal with. As long as nothing's official, there's nothing you can get from me. I want to deal with personal things like this myself because it's nothing to be proud of. It's really been a long while and I don't know why it's still here when nothing's happening. I may have put in some meaning into the most simple things that were nothing more than simple gestures that really mean nothing at all. But if everything was mutual, that's when a person will really get to see me. That's why I'm waiting for this person to do just what it takes for me to melt because I miss sharing stuff that I can't tell even the most trusted people I know.

It's just that he's not come to his senses and found his way to me. I think so. Or else he'll be here and I could tell him everything. Or maybe he's still lost and still does not know where to go. Or maybe he's not coming at all. Maybe. I dunno.

That's why I'm hoping all of these will stop so I can get back to just being me without all the complications. Like right now, I'm thinking tons of stuff just because of the conversation I've had with some of the best people in my life right now. And so I'm thinking those two really great dreams I've had the past two days isn't going to be continued tonight. I think so. I just think so. Don't get me wrong. The conversation was great because I got to learn more about myself from their point of view. It's just that I'm still having trouble showing this certain part.

Oh well. I just can't have everything. And yeah, I'm fine with what I have and who I am right now. There's just this piece that I can't really unlock. And that's where I need help with.

If only I could really tell you. If only I could. But there's really a lot that's going to change. And I wouldn't want that. If only he would start things, I'll follow. But I'm thinking that isn't going to happen. Better not keep my hopes up. Better that way.

Image from ACH


Janette Toral
February 15, 2010   09:41 PM PST
I think if the person is really worth it, there's no harm making the first move. Although that is easier said than done. But at least you'll know if the person is worth all the emotional investment or not earlier on.
June 2, 2010   04:37 AM PDT
Hi Ms. Janette,

Right you are. Easier said than done. I still remain a coward though. Hehe. :)

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